Posted on August 16, 2009

As every parent knows, children guard their privacy with a zeal that we often wish they’d apply to other things like getting good grades and helping out around the house. Loving parents respect the privacy of their children’s bedrooms and don’t snoop around with no reason. But sometimes things aren’t right and further investigation is warranted.

So, when is snooping okay to do? Experts recommend that parents first get past the negativity of the word “snooping.” Instead, consider it as fact-finding or searching. You may even consider it research. The fact is, when you suspect your child is drinking or doing drugs, searching or snooping can help you keep them safe. The most important thing to keep in mind is that you are trying to help your child – and to do that you need the facts.

What Precipitates the Need To Snoop

If you smell alcohol on your child’s breath when they come home, or their eyes are bloodshot, they have trouble walking, standing or talking – these are obvious trouble signs. Maybe your teen starts using Visine all the time, complaining (if you ask) about allergies or dust in the air, or being tired from studying. Constant use of strong breath mints or breath sprays is another indication of perhaps trying to mask the smell of alcohol or marijuana.

Strange smells wafting from your child’s room may indicate use of inhalants or marijuana. Excessive use of cleaning solvents, burning incense or scented candles, heavy air freshener sprays are also potential warning signs.

The biggest clue is when you see or catch your child drinking or doing drugs with their friends. But children are very adept at keeping their drug and alcohol use hidden from their parents. You’re not likely to see such an obvious display – unless they think you’re really clueless. Parents need to be on the lookout for changes in their child’s behavior and personality. If your formerly outgoing and cheerful teen has become morose, mean, with violent mood swings – it could be that drugs are the culprit. Appearance often becomes sloppy, too much makeup, dirty or excessively wrinkled clothes, and long, stringly hair.

If you see your teen staring off into space, eyes unfocused, or if he appears apathetic, not caring about anything, these are other warning signs. Ditto if your teen appears to be losing considerable weight, almost looking emaciated, or has numerous sores or bruises.

Prescription drugs that seem to disappear from your medicine cabinets could be a sign that your child is either using them or giving (or selling) them to others for non-medical purposes.

It’s time to search for the evidence. Of course, you don’t want to, but you have to. You are the parent, this is your home, and you set the limits. But the biggest reason is to keep your child safe. So, it’s on to the room to search.

Where To Look

It may be helpful to think back to when you were a child. Where did you hide things – maybe from a pesky sibling or your parents? Multiply that by a hundred and that’s where you need to look today. Here are a few suggestions of places to check for evidence of drugs and/or alcohol use.

• Closets and shelves – especially high ones you need to stand on something to reach
• Desks, credenza, dresser, armoire, TV stand or entertainment center
• Cases for CD/DVDs
• Bathroom medicine cabinets
• Inside over-the-counter medicine containers, especially Aleve, Tylenol, aspirin
• Partially empty candy bags (Skittles, licorice, M&Ms)
• Purses, backbacks, gym bags, golf bags, duffle bags
• Behind mirrors and pictures
• Under and behind the bed and between the mattresses
• Hidden in potted plants (real or fake)
• Bookshelves, and between and inside books
• Cosmetic cases, and individual cosmetics (lipstick, foundation, eye shadow compacts, etc.)

Depending on what the circumstances are that precipitated the need to search at this time, you may want to check the stored speed-dial phone numbers on their cell phone. If your teen hasn’t come home when expected or stayed out all night, you may be able to learn their whereabouts by calling the numbers that most often appear on the cell phone bill. Don’t forget their computer email account – but be prepared for stiff opposition on this matter. Only consider doing this type of search if there is strong and compelling evidence that supports your suspicion of drug and/or alcohol use.

What To Do Once You’ve Found the Evidence

Come right out with it. You need to discuss what you’ve found with your child immediately. This is not something you can put off.

Expect a variety of reactions when you confront your child. You will be accused of invading their privacy, of being mean, unfair. They may be defensive, angry, resentful and defiant, or dissolve into tears. As parents, you must remain calm and firm. You are the parents and you set the limits. In this home the rule is no drugs and no alcohol use by children – period. Let your child know that you are concerned for their safety and well being and it is your responsibility as their parents to ensure that you monitor their actions to help keep them safe.

After the initial outburst – which is undoubtedly going to happen – proceed calmly to let your child know that you will continue to search their room and belongings for any evidence of continued use. Remind your child of the rules and consequences for breaking them. If you haven’t established consequences, you need to do so. These can include setting a curfew, restricting privileges such as cell phone usage or limiting social activity, limiting contact with certain friends (especially those you believe are using drugs or alcohol), or other limitations. The consequences need to be meaningful to your child, so that he or she will think carefully before breaking the rule about using drugs or alcohol.

What If Searching and Discussion Doesn’t Work

If this searching and discussion doesn’t result in improved behavior and cessation of using drugs and alcohol, you’ll need to move to the next level.

You may also consider questioning other children in the family. They will usually know what’s going on with their sibling. Be sure to weigh and balance if they hold any grudges or are trying to get back at their brother or sister. Verify everything they say before you mention it to your child that’s in trouble – but keep the other children anonymous. Don’t ever tell your child who blew them in. It could cause serious repercussions for them.

Obviously, if your child has an emergency situation, such as an overdose, you need to take him to the hospital immediately. If the drug and alcohol use is chronic and hasn’t subsided, have your child examined by your family physician. Get referrals for adolescent drug treatment programs and enroll your child in counseling.

Don’t Ignore the Signs – and Don’t Feel Guilty For Seeking Help

Snooping isn’t easy to do, but it is the right thing to do if you suspect your child is doing alcohol or drugs. Don’t ignore the compelling evidence. You can’t fall into the trap of feeling guilty that you’ve somehow destroyed the bond between parent and child. If you do this with love and compassion, your child will know, ultimately, that you’re doing it for their best interests. Seek the appropriate help to assist your child to overcome dependence on substances such as drugs and alcohol. It may be the most important parental duty you perform – next to loving your child unconditionally.