Posted on June 19, 2009

The signs are unmistakable – your teen comes home intoxicated or high from drugs and shows physical and mental signs of alcohol or drug abuse, or both. These include slurred speech, dizziness, clumsiness and unsteadiness, redness in the eyes, flushed face, numbness or tingling in extremities, sore or upset stomach, weight loss, and blackouts.

They’re also easily agitated, irritable, and angry and have a low threshold for violence. They may even weep excessively or have frequent emotional outbursts. They want to sleep all the time, or can’t sleep through the night without alcohol or pills. They start missing school or can’t keep up with their homework. Pretty soon, they just give up and spiral into even more drinking and drugs.

And they blame you.

They may have good reason.

What If You Are To Blame?

It’s hard to point the finger at bad behavior in our children if we ourselves set a bad example. Although there’s no clear-cut interplay between genetics and environment, if there’s a family history of alcoholism and/or drug abuse, children in the family are at higher risk for abusing both. Add any family history of mental illness and alcoholism or drug abuse, and any existing mental illness can worsen or result in new symptoms.

If you stumble home drunk or high on drugs, if your teens witness or are victims of domestic violence and abuse at your hands while you’re intoxicated or high, if they see the results of multiple DUIs, arrests, loss of job, divorce or other stress – is it any wonder that they feel that alcohol and drugs are okay behavior?

That’s the reality. Here’s what to do about it.

• Acknowledge – There’s no sense denying what’s plain for anyone to see. Admit that you have a problem, and it has played a part in their behavior. This is a huge step, but one you absolutely must take.

• Accept Responsibility – After you acknowledge your problem, accept responsibility for your actions. Telling your teens that you own your actions will help them to be able to accept responsibility for theirs. Again, this isn’t easy, but it’s necessary.

• Act to Change – You have to be ready and willing to change your own behavior before you can expect your teens to change theirs. Whether your problem is alcohol, illicit or prescription drugs or both, you need to demonstrate your commitment by getting help for yourself. Go into medically-supervised detox and alcohol and/or drug rehab. You have to get yourself clean and sober to follow through on your role as a responsible parent – and to be a responsible, caring parent.

• Set an Example – Purge the household of all alcohol, get rid of illicit drugs, work with your doctor to wean off any prescription medications and lock up those that are absolutely required for medical reasons. Discuss what you are doing with your teens, and tell them that you are committed to change.

• Don’t Permit Bad Behavior – While you are in the process of rehabilitating yourself, make it abundantly clear that you’re not going to tolerate any bad behavior on their part. No more partying and coming home drunk and high on drugs. Enlist them in your treatment process. It is very possible that they should be in either detox or drug rehab as well. Get them evaluated to know just how far their alcohol and/or drug abuse has progressed and get them help.

• Go to Family Counseling – Many rehab treatment programs include family counseling as part of the rehabilitative process. Insist that everyone in the family participate. It’s the only way that everyone will heal.

• Go to Group Meetings – Making such a huge change in your life and the life of your teens doesn’t stop once you leave rehab. It has to continue, or the old temptations will lure you and they back into trouble. Go to support groups such as Alcoholics Anonymous or Narcotics Anonymous, or Al-Anon or other such support organizations.

And What If You’re Not

Teens are naturally rebellious, love to experiment and take risks. They’re also beset by stresses (remember when you were a teenager?) that seem sometimes insurmountable. Peer pressure, the urge to fit in, to excel at scholastic achievement or sports, and to be accepted, also play a big role in why teens turn to alcohol and drugs.

When confronted with obvious evidence of their misdeeds, it’s not uncommon that teens will throw the responsibility back in your face. “It’s because of you!” they might exclaim. “All you do is drink beer and watch TV. I just have fun with my friends. What’s the big deal, anyway?”

Don’t fall for it.

Deal with it, and do it now.

• Get help – Have your teen checked out by the family doctor to see if there’s any underlying medical condition that could be an aggravating factor. If there’s nothing physically wrong with them, other than drug and/or alcohol abuse, it’s time to get them into detox and rehab.

• Set Rules and Boundaries – You’ll have to insist on new rules and boundaries, curfews, drug and/or alcohol detection screenings, new responsibilities. Do this as a family, and do so in a loving but firm manner. Family values are critically important to teens, however much they may protest not to want them

• Expect a Long Haul – Change won’t occur overnight. And it will be difficult. But teens learn more than we give them credit for and will eventually realize that what you do for them is for the best. They will need to learn new coping skills, and how to apply them during stressful situations. Alcohol and/or drug abuse may have just been masking problems that were under the surface and now will bubble up. These all must be dealt with.

• Go to Family Counseling – This is just as important if your teen is the only one in the family abusing alcohol and/or drugs. The family dynamics will only change if the entire family is involved in the teen’s recovery.

• Have Your Teen Go to Support Meetings – Following your teen’s recovery, continue your encouragement and support by taking them to group or support meetings. For parents and other siblings, Al-Anon offers free support for families coping with alcoholism. You can also turn to your minister, community organizations and trusted friends.

There Is Light at the End of the Tunnel

Parenting is a tough process, and no one has written the book on everything we have to endure and overcome in raising our children to be responsible adults. We’re only human, after all, subject to the same trials, tribulations, temptations and successes. Sometimes it may seem as though we’ve got more than our share of bad luck.

But perseverance, faith and love will help guide you and your teens to a brighter future, one without the need for crutches like alcohol and drugs. You have to believe that this is possible, and actively work with them to help achieve it. Sure there will need to be changes made, some of them painful, some of them less so. But the result will be worth it.